Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

where the hell I would be right now if my mom and I wouldn’t have moved here to California 5 years ago. I doubt I’d be in college. Probably working somewhere, trying to help her provide for the both of us. I can’t help but wonder where I would be without all the struggle I’ve had to endure. Or perhaps what it would have been like to grow up with a father figure. I feel like I’ve gotten so far and yet I’m still getting nowhere. Such a peculiar feeling to have. I feel like I’m doing everything “right”, everything that I should be doing, but maybe I’m just not feeling the support I wish I had. It’s not as good to feel all on your own as you might expect it to. I have a loving boyfriend and a few amazing close friends that stay in touch with me despite business and distance, but I’m missing the family element. I always have been, probably always will until I can have a family of my own. I never want my kids to feel this way. While it may not be the worst thing, it definitely leaves you with something empty. A hole that you wish you could fill up, but don’t exactly know how to. You just look in the mirror and ask why instead of why not. I want to be so sure of myself that I don’t ever have to feel bad about where I came from or who I came from. I want a mother who won’t ignore me and be invested in her boyfriend 9 times out of 10 of the time. I want a father to love me and be there, call me everyday, or once in awhile even to just see how I am doing. Why don’t I have that? Did I do something wrong? And here I thought I was doing so good with my life, better than most people have gotten to do in my family. Everyone who knows my story tells me I should feel so good and proud of myself, but I don’t care because the people who mattered most to me didn’t care. Now I’m left with this apathetic feeling of life. I just want to feel whole. 

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